“No, no, and NO!”
“Do NOT make me tell you again!”
“Are you listening to me??”
Is this the soundtrack playing in your head and especially coming out of your mouth with any of your children? If so, you may have the privilege (and headache) of having a strong- willed kiddo.
Let’s start with the negatives. When your child tries to be the boss, attempts to do things their own way, and “forgets” to follow the rules it can be beyond frustrating. It can even make you feel like you aren’t a good parent when they seem to be making all the wrong choices. On the positive side, though, is a kid (and one day adult) who will push back from peer pressure, lead a room full of people, and maybe even become the CEO of a company. That determination, adventurous spirit and independence will be amazing one day. However, the right now may not look so smooth.
What to do and how to respond:
1. Learn about your child and find out the motivation for their behavior.
a. Some kids are natural scientists and love to push boundaries out of sheer curiosity.
b. Other kids love the feeling of being in control. With parents and teachers giving orders all day, who wouldn’t?
c. Yet others, and probably most kids, are figuring out how to be more and more independent. After all, you don’t want to still be brushing your 30-year-old son’s teeth, do you?
2. Get creative and meet your child’s needs in other ways.
a. If your child is curious and busy observing the world around them, find moments to be patient and let them go at their own pace. Give boundaries (especially if your child gets destructive) but allow extra time for your child to ask questions, use their toys in a way they might not be intended for, or try something new. You may find that your child has ideas you never would have thought of.
b. Control and independence come with their own hurdles but can be dealt with creatively too. Finding ways for your kiddo to shine is a great way to make them feel like the boss but you can also set some boundaries to create age-appropriate choices. Choosing between their green shirt or yellow shirt for school, deciding for the family to have broccoli or carrots with dinner, or even picking to complete their math homework first or their spelling words first are some great ways to help them make some big choices in their life. They are still getting dressed for school, still eating their vegetables, and still completing their homework but they also feel in control while doing it.
3. Praise the good.
a. Did you see your child share a toy, a chip, anything? Clap those hands. Did they just wait their turn? Send over a “good job!” Did they do what you asked them to do the first time? Have a celebration moment. These are valuable moments that can fill your child’s cup pretty quickly. And once they get a celebration moment from the person, they love the most in life, you better believe they want to feel that feeling again and again.
4. Trial and error.
a. Parenting is all about trying, messing up, trying again, and figuring it out (maybe). If you have more than one child then I’m sure you’ve found that they can be VERY different, and even one child can seem totally different from one minute to the next. But I am here to tell you that a little thought for your children really does go a long way.
If you feel like you are struggling with a strong-willed kiddo, just know that A LOT of us are. However, if you are a single parent, feeling burnt out, or just ran out of options, please know that there is support if you need it. After all, it takes a village. Give us a call!
Author: Jessica Zbranek, MA, LPC, RPT
